During an aimless Youtube browsing a few days ago, I clicked into a TED talk by Simon Sinek called What Game Theory Teaches Us About War. The speaker compared two types of games, the finite and the infinite, and analyzed the US diplomatic challenges, strategies, and impact with this concept.
I find this novel perspective extremely interesting, inspiring, and applicable to almost all the decision-making processes in life, as it helps us understand the fundamental logic of the game of life.
According to Simon, a finite game is one with clearly-defined and mutually agreed goals, players, and rules to win. For example, sports games, such as basketball, are finite games. For a finite player, it is important to keep the clearly defined goal in mind all the time and step towards it constantly.
On the contrary, there is no clear or defined rule, goal, or time in an infinite game, and even the players could change. It is an ever-evolving process until players exhaust their resources or will and drop out of the game. After that, new players may join and the game goes on. Therefore, the ultimate strategy for an infinite player should not be to beat a definite goal, but to make decisions based on her core value consistently and try to stay in the game longer than the opponents.
I do not have enough expertise in politics to judge Simon’s conclusion, but I do see how this theory could help me make better decisions and maximize happiness in life.
When I came across this TED Talk, I was going through a mid-life crisis, where I felt so depressed and self-hated for being a failure in many ways. For example, I have not reached the salary goal I set for myself for the age of 30, while aging is real. In the perfect world, I would have got married to the love of my life at the age of 27, while, in reality, he has either walked away already or has not shown up yet. My body fat percentage grows, slowly but steadily, and the metabolism rate drops. I count my calories and steps every day, but still could not get back to the body figure I had in my early 20s.
Things went particularly bad last week and I broke up. In the phone call with a close friend, I cried so hard and said that I didn’t how I became such a loser and could not see my way out. My friend said that these self-doubting moments are just natural and inevitable. I would still break down someday even if I became a millionaire, or had a sweet family of 4. I would just have a different set of problems to deal with. The struggle is not going anywhere, so I have to learn to live with it.
That was not the most comforting words to hear, but now I realize that he was asking me to not be a finite player in life, but recognize that this is an infinite game, and that every second I am in it, I am winning it. From this perspective, the best strategy for me should not be to focus on individual short-term goals too much, but try the best to survive and always be ready for the next challenge.
Growing up, I have always been told to “do the right thing at the right age”, a typically finite game mindset. Just like companies trying to beat their monthly goals, I have tried very hard to reach the specific goals before the due dates. These goals have kept me motivated and would be really nice if achieved. However, unfortunately, the luck was not on my side and I have missed many of them. As a result, I feel like losing the game and suffer from a sense of failure.
But for an infinite player, life is not about checkmarks or collecting badges, but to survive and live with challenges. For example, marriage and relationship is for sure an infinite game. Getting into a relationship or getting the marriage certificate does not eliminate problems, but just change the kind of problems one needs to deal with. If I were married, instead of awkward blind dates, I probably would have to deal with trust issues or handle the delicate relationship with the in-laws. On the other hand, since I am single now, I have much time for things that my friends with babies may not have time to do, such as learning a new game or keeping a journal. The opponents in life come and go, but the struggle never disappears. As the player, I do not have a rule book to follow or know when the game may finish. The only thing I can and need to do is to know what I want, as it evolved all the time, and enjoy the process as much as I could.
It’s the same story with health and diet. Like many people who begin to gain weight in their late 20s, I starved myself and hopes to lose pounds. It worked some times but is never a successful long term strategy, since the animal natural always led me to a big cheat meal every other while. After several years, I still could not get back to the numbers I wanted. But from an infinite game perspective, I have made some great progress, such as adapting to a much healthier diet, genuinely enjoying sports, and feeling much more energized. These achievements mean much more than hitting a number in the long run, therefore I should be proud, instead of diminishing myself, for not being size 0 anymore.
Talking about this after the mental crisis feels easy, while I know for sure that I will be stuck in depression again someday in the future, not seeing any hope and hating myself for being a total failure. That’s why I wrote this article, so that I can pull this out and try to help myself walk out of the darkness. I also would like to share it with people who have a similar experience, and hope it could be of even just a teeny-tiny help.
When in a pitch-black tunnel, a trace of light makes a world of difference.
